On the Lighter Side

The Definitive Guide to Nutrition to Answer All Questions Once and For All*

There’s so much conflicting information out there about how to be healthy. Many of us are also trying to shed unnecessary pounds, so in honor of the upcoming holidays, which are a dieting minefield, I’d like to solve this once and for all.

1. Watch your carbohydrate intake. Carbohydrates are starches, and starches turn to sugar, which quickly gets stored as fat.

2. Eat all the carbs you want, as long as they are complex carbs and not simple carbs.

3. Grains are bad for you, especially nowadays as they are genetically modified.

4. Make sure you get plenty of healthy whole grains.

5. Fruit is part of a healthy diet because it contains phytonutrients and fiber.

6. Fruit contains fructose, which is sugar, and sugar is poisonous to your body and should be avoided.

7. Honey and maple syrup are natural sugars, so they’re good for you.

8. There’s no need to go gluten-free unless you are genuinely gluten intolerant, diagnosed by your doctor.

9. Even if you think you aren’t gluten intolerant, you probably are. There’s no need to eat gluten anyway; it has no health benefits.

10. Limit your fat intake. Too much fat is bad for your heart.

11. Eat plenty of fat. Too little fat is bad for your brain.

12. Coconut oil is heart-healthy.

13. Coconut oil is high in saturated fat and is bad for heart health.

14. Drink 1-2 cups of coffee per day; moderate intake of caffeinated coffee has been linked to lower incidences of certain diseases such as diabetes and cancer.

15. Ditch the coffee. Caffeine stresses your adrenals and raises your cortisol levels.

16. Dairy products are a good source of protein and calcium. Make sure you buy organic, so that you’re not exposed to bovine growth hormones.

17. Don’t bother buying organic dairy products. They’re pasteurized at such high temperatures that it kills off all the “good stuff” in the milk. Bovine growth hormones don’t affect humans anyway.

18. Dairy products aren’t intended by Mother Nature for human consumption. Use goat’s milk and goat cheese instead.

19. Cardio is a necessary part of any weight-loss regimen because it speeds up your metabolism.

20. Skip the cardio; it ups your cortisol levels, and cortisol fosters weight gain.

21. A vegetarian diet is easiest on your body, and you can get all the nutrients you need from plants, so there’s no need to eat meat.

22. You should eat 3-6 servings of meat daily in order to get enough iron and protein.

23. Dairy products should be fat-free or low fat if you’re trying to lose weight. The fewer calories you take in, the better.

24. Dairy products should be full-fat if you’re trying to lose weight. The less processed it is, the less likely it will be stored in your fat cells.

25. Calories in, calories out: You need to count calories if you want to lose weight.

26. Don’t count calories. Practice “intuitive eating”: eat only when you’re truly hungry, and stop eating when you know you’ve eaten enough.

27. Your brain is easily fooled into thinking you’re hungry, and your leptin receptors have probably been damaged by your intake of processed foods, so don’t rely on feelings of hunger and satiety to know when you should eat.

28. Snack often throughout the day. This stokes your metabolism and makes weight loss easier.

29. Never eat between meals. Every time you eat, you raise the insulin levels in your blood, which signals your body to store fat.

30. For optimal health, the Paleo diet is best. We should eat like our ancestors did. They didn’t eat bread and pasta and cheese and ice cream, so we shouldn’t either.

31. The Paleo diet is nonsense. Times have changed, and we don’t need to eat the way our ancestors did; after all, we’ve evolved quite a bit since then. Besides, our ancestors ate roots and wild berries and venison, not coconut flour muffins.

So there you have it. Just 31 simple rules to follow. Make sure you do all of them simultaneously for best results. What’s there to think about?

*in jest, obviously, for those who need a disclaimer

Leave a Reply