On the Lighter Side

August Holidays

My wall calendar tells me there are no holidays during the month of August. Google disagrees, and so I’d like to offer you the following suggestions for making the most of your summer and your waistline.

Aug. 1: Girlfriends Day. Also, Raspberry Cream Pie Day. If you love your girlfriend, bake her something. Just do it.

Aug. 2: Coloring Book Day and Ice Cream Sandwich Day. Both of these sound fabulous to me. Thank goodness coloring books for adults are trendy now! (Not that it would stop me if they weren’t.)

Aug. 3: Grab Some Nuts Day. The kind of nuts you choose are, apparently, up to you. Almonds, cashews, crazy family members… We want to leave your options open.

Aug. 4: It’s National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day and National Mustard Day. (I don’t recommend celebrating both, at least not at the same time.)

Aug. 5: Work Like A Dog Day. This means you don’t work at all, at least not if you “work” the way my dog does (see photo above).

Aug. 6: Wiggle Your Toes Day. A slow and painless and mostly ineffectual way to burn off some of the raspberry pie, ice cream sandwiches, and cookies we’ve eaten thus far. But hey, it can’t do any harm.

Aug. 7: Raspberries N’ Cream Day. More raspberries. Why not!

Aug. 8: Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day. It’s not the most neighborly thing to do, but it could help alleviate some of your garden’s overcrowding problems. Unless, of course, your neighbor is also trying to do the same thing. YMMV.

Aug. 9: Today is Book Lover’s Day, and your snack of choice is rice pudding for National Rice Pudding Day. But eat carefully — books and pudding don’t get along well together, if they get too close to each other.

Aug. 10: National Lazy Day. This coincides with National Shapewear Day, interestingly enough. I don’t know about you, but lazy days do not find me in shapewear!

Aug. 11: Son’s and Daughter’s Day. So! All this time I thought the only family-related holidays were Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I feel duped. (I wonder, should I call my dad and ask him what he’s giving me for the occasion?)

Aug. 12: Julienne Fries Day. I say they need a day for curly fries, since those are amazing and (for some reason) have all but disappeared.

Aug. 13: Left-Handers Day. Thank goodness, they need a day of their own. Left-handers need at least one day of the year when no one sees them eating or writing or doing some other activity with their left hand and asks, “Hey! are you left-handed!?” No, I’m just doing this hoping you would ask!

Aug. 14: Financial Awareness Day. In the event that you’re not a responsible adult who is aware of their finances on the other 364 days of the year, today is the day to mend your careless ways. You can even pour over your budget spreadsheets with a creamsicle for National Creamsicle Day.

Aug. 15: National Relaxation Day. Consider this your second chance, in case you didn’t get enough relaxation on National Lazy Day.

Aug. 16: National Roller Coaster Day. Is it a coincidence that this is also National Airborne Day? Because that’s exactly what I’m afraid will become of me when I get on a roller coaster.

Aug. 17: National I LOVE My Feet Day! Please make sure your feet are stink-free so that everyone else can love them, too…

Aug. 18: Mail Order Catalog Day. Please, oh, please, is there some way we all could get mail order catalogs on only one day of the year, instead of multiple times per week? (I’m looking at you, Oriental Trading Company.)

Aug. 19: Potato Day. Celebrate with chips, French fries, pierogis, vodka… whatever does it for you.

Aug. 20: Chocolate Pecan Pie Day. Because nothing says “dog days of summer” like heating up the oven to bake a pie, right? Even so, I’d totally eat pecan pie in the summertime. Too bad pecans don’t go on sale until around Thanksgiving.

Aug. 21: Brazilian Blowout Day. I had to look this up to see what it was. I mean, it sounds kind of scary if you don’t know. Apparently, it’s a special type of hair treatment that’s supposed to eliminate frizz. You know what they say about things that sound too good to be true, though, right?

Aug. 22: Today is Pecan Torte Day, in case you didn’t get your fill of pecans the day before yesterday.

Aug. 23: Cheap Flight Day. Somehow I doubt the airline companies will have gotten the memo on this one, so if that turns out to be the case you can always console yourself with some cake for the occasion of National Sponge Cake Day.

Aug. 24: It’s National Peach Pie Day and National Waffle Day. At this point I almost hope there’s a National Diet Day coming up, ya know?

Aug. 25: But today is not that day, because it’s Banana Split Day! It’s also Kiss and Make Up Day, in case that sounds better to you, but I doubt it. I personally would take a banana split over a kiss any day, even before Covid!

Aug. 26: Women’s Equality Day. This should be every day of the year, ya know what I’m sayin’? (So should National Dog Day.)

Aug. 27: National Just Because Day. I get the distinct impression we’re running out of special things for each day. Just me?

Aug. 28: Race Your Mouse Day. Assuming you have one or more mice, that is. In which case a cat or two might be worthwhile investment.

Aug. 29: Chop Suey Day. Chop Suey is great, but I think it’s supposed to be made of leftovers, and well… At this point, the only leftovers we have on hand are the sweets and junk food we’ve been eating all month.

Aug. 30: Holistic Pet Day. What is a holistic pet? Can someone tell me, please? Or does it mean that this is the day to take my dog to get acupuncture or something? I hope not, because I can only see that ending in disaster.

Aug. 31: It’s Diatomaceous Earth Day! I know, I can hardly contain my excitement either.

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