On the Lighter Side

10 More Things that Make No Sense

I wasn’t going to make another “things that make no sense” post so soon after the last one, but what can I say, it’s a crazy world. Lists like these practically write themselves.

1. Spray tans. I hear these are a lot better now than they used to be, but I think I’ll take others’ word for it rather than finding out for myself, just in case it’s not true. I’m blonde, you see, and burnt orange isn’t in my color palette.

2. The “This is a non-smoking flight” announcement on planes. Really? How do I get on a “smoking” flight? Does the airline industry have smoking or non-smoking sections, like in restaurants?

Nutrition label serving sizes. Whoever came up with these seems to have made a clean break with reality. Who eats only eats one half cup of ice cream, or 9 crackers, or 17 M&M’s? How am I supposed to know how many servings I’ve eaten when the serving size is a metric weight measurement? And don’t even get me started on the term “servings per container.” When it comes to chips, ice cream, and Girl Scout cookies, it’s not “servings per container”, it’s “containers per serving”, am I right?

4. Those 1990’s little girl dresses. It’s one thing to suffer in high heels or a tight up-do if at least you know you look pretty. It’s another thing entirely to suffer without the consolation of beauty. There’s just way too much about this outfit that’s prohibitive to either looking or feeling good: the square bib collar, the elastic sleeves, the pleated stitching on the front that made you itch and sweat, combined with tights and Mary Jane shoes that wouldn’t slip off easily. Parents of the 90’s (including mine), I know you loved your daughters dearly, but this was not one of your better ways of showing it.

5. Jury duty. It’s the whole “trial by a jury of your peers” thing. Never mind that in no other place in today’s society would the oddball assortment of individuals serving on a jury, from high school graduates to retirees, be considered “peers.” Also, there’s the fact that the state feels no need to properly compensate people for services they can coerce them into. This means that each of your “peers” is being forced to spend their day in a courtroom having committed no crime other than that of being a gainfully employed, registered voter with a valid driver’s license. Because of this they are likely to be in a less than agreeable state of mind, and they don’t necessarily have a vested interest in rendering a fair verdict. They might just say whatever they think they have to, to minimize the loss of money and time they incur by being there.

6. Pills with side effects that are worse than whatever they’re supposedly treating. You know the ones I mean. They show up in TV commercials, usually accompanying a scene with a happy-looking older couple walking on the beach holding hands. A cheerful-sounding voiceover assures you of how much this blood pressure medication will enhance your quality of life, just before informing you that this medication “has been known to cause seizures, liver damage, brain tumors, and death. Ask your doctor if this medication is right for you.” No thanks, I think I’ll take my chances with high blood pressure. Seizures, liver damage, brain tumors, and death don’t sound right for me.

7. Throw pillows. I don’t know what these are actually good for. You can’t sleep on them, at least not the ones that are cylinder-shaped or have too many extraneous features like lace or tassels. You have to fuss with arranging them on the bed at the beginning of the day, only to have to move them somewhere else at night. I guess they’re supposed to help your bedroom look like a Better Homes and Gardens photo, but in my case this is a lost cause, throw pillows or no throw pillows.

8. Automated telemarketing. Is there actually a real, live person out there who’s responsible for those scammy recorded phone calls that wake me up at 3 a.m. to tell me I’ve won a free cruise to the Bahamas? If so, I have to wonder what on earth they’re getting out of it, since I always hang up. So does everyone else I know.

9. Long range weather forecasting. It’s almost always wrong anyway.

10. High School. Most stuff you learn after reading, writing, and basic math is a complete waste of your time, because you’ll never use it in adulthood. There’s a T-shirt out there and I can’t remember exactly what it says but it’s something like, “I never learned how to cook a meal, change a tire, file taxes, or fix a leaky faucet, but thank God I know the Pythagorean Theorem.” My thoughts exactly.

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