On the Lighter Side

8 Things I’ll Never Say to My Dentist

1. Why is the dentist always a man and the hygienists are always women? I have always wanted to know this, but it’s not exactly the kind of thing you ask. It sounds, well… sexist or something. But I do wonder.

2. Why do you have cookies and popcorn (!) in the waiting room? Isn’t that just making more work for yourself? Also, you can’t exactly lecture people about how sugar causes cavities if you’re going to contribute to the problem.

3. Why do you need to X-ray under my tongue? There are no teeth under there. Seriously, why?

4. Yes, that does hurt. A lot.  I know you don’t believe me, but… peel me off the ceiling and I’ll show you!

5. Aaarrgghffftthhhh…. Hands and/or metal implements in my mouth do somewhat impede my ability to small talk with you. I’m very sorry.

6. Please cease and desist with your scolding. I’m aware that my teeth need to be cleaned. That’s why I’m here. No, I’m not in the least surprised that my gums bleed when you stab them with a sharp metal object. So will any other part of my body. Yes, I do floss every day. No, I’m not interested in making a full-time job out of it or investing in strange electronic flossing devices.

7. Why isn’t “dentist bedside manner” a thing? Most of you, I want to believe, are lovely, wonderful people. But way too many of you have commented negatively on my face, which I’m not over the moon about. I’m here for a cleaning, not plastic surgery.

Lastly, this is a long shot but I’m just gonna put it out there…

8. Please feel absolutely free to foot the bill for “cosmetic work” if you’re going to keep telling me I need it. I would love that!

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