On the Lighter Side

10 Things That Make No Sense

1. Decaf coffee. Normally in my house we don’t say the d-word, but decaf really doesn’t make any sense, people. It’s all about the caffeine. And the flavor. And without caffeine, no flavor. If you just want a hot beverage vaguely reminiscent of coffee, drink chicory. Or Cafix. Or, whatever, heat up your old used dishwater. It all tastes about the same.

2. Fast-talking disclaimers. “New, Amazing, Limited Time Offer!! …Offervalidatparticipatinglocationsonlysomerestrictionsmayapplyseeinstorefordetails.“ ….??!!?…. What?? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! …yeah, I know, that’s the whole idea in the first place. You just don’t want to get sued. Why saying stuff too fast for me to understand safeguards you against that, I’ll never know.

3. Ear-splitting loud fire alarms in public buildings. Having my eardrums nearly ruptured makes me feel a little panicky, and it’s a well-known fact that the ones who panic in an emergency are almost always worse off than those who stay calm.

4. Keeping books and magazines in the bathroom. If the time it takes for you to do your business is so long that you need reading material, see a doctor.

5. Bringing your phone, tablet, or TV into the bathroom. See #4.

6. Modern art sculptures. Leave a heap of scrap metal and rusty bedsprings in a public place, and you’ll likely pay a fine for illegal dumping. But! if you say it’s art, that will be just dandy, and tourists will stop and have their pictures taken next to it.

7. Memorial highways/bridges. If you do some kind of honorable and publicly visible civic duty in your lifetime, you may just get an unsightly, air polluting stretch of traffic jam erected in your memory. (It’s an opportunity you must seize while you still can.)

8. Wisdom teeth. What other part of the body serves no purpose whatsoever except to necessitate an expensive and painful operation at one of the most financially vulnerable times of life (your teens and twenties)? There’s no wisdom in this that I can see.

9. Childproof caps on medicine bottles. Most of the time these end up deterring the person for whom the medication is actually intended, usually the elderly and the disabled who might very well have enough trouble opening a non childproof bottle.

10. Blonde jokes. These are actually “women jokes” in disguise. It’s not really about hair at all. I mean, when was the last time you heard a joke about a blonde guy?

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