By popular demand…
Sept. 1: Acne Positivity Day. Today is the day to feel positive about your pimples. Or to be positive that you never, ever want to have another pimple again. (I know which one I’d pick.)
Sept. 2: It’s National Blueberry Popsicle Day, if you can find one.
Sept. 3: National Lazy Mom’s Day. If you’re a mom, and you need to be lazy (and you might even if you think you don’t), please take full advantage of today as it’s also National Chianti Day.
Sept. 4: National Tailgating Day. As in “tailgate party”, I hope — not tailgating someone on the road. Please do not do that, ever. Especially not to me. My trunk is usually pretty full and there just isn’t any room for the front end of your car.
Sept. 5: Today is Be Late For Something Day, so why not be late because you stopped to pick up a pizza on National Cheese Pizza Day.
Sept. 6: Fight Procrastination Day. Don’t wait; do it now! (It’s also National Coffee Ice Cream Day and National Read A Book Day — two of my favorite things. Guess I’ll be waiting until after I’m done with that to start my fight against procrastination.
Sept. 7: National Neither Snow nor Rain Day. Unless you live in a very cold climate, you’re unlikely to see snow in early September, though rain is always a possibility. But actually, this day isn’t about enjoying perfect sunny weather — it’s postal service worker appreciation day, because neither snow nor rain keeps them from bringing you your mail. (At least in theory.)
It’s also Beer Lover’s Day. My favorites were Blue Moon and Guinness, before I discovered I had a gluten allergy (bummer).
Sept. 8: Iguana Awareness Day. But iguanas aren’t typically very sociable, so if you aren’t aware of them today, I’m sure their feelings won’t be hurt.
Sept. 9: It’s International Sudoku Day. And if you can’t solve the sudoku puzzle, cheer up, because it’s Care Bears Share Your Cares Day. (Yes, seriously.)
Sept. 10: It’s National TV Dinner Day (does anyone still eat these anymore?) and National Swap Ideas Day. (Maybe swap some ideas about what to make for dinner, with your friends who aren’t eating TV dinners.)
Sept 11: It’s 911 Remembrance Day. It’s also Make Your Bed Day. Do we need a special day for this because most of us don’t bother with it the other 364 days of the year? Asking for a friend.
Sept. 12: Have a milkshake for National Chocolate Milkshake Day. Today is also your day to Report Medicare Fraud, should that be applicable, and we hope it isn’t. We’d rather just have the chocolate milkshakes.
Sept. 13: Today is Kids Take Over the Kitchen Day. Please note, this may significantly hamper your efforts to observe Positive Thinking Day. You have been warned.
Sept. 14: Hug Your Hound Day. Hopefully your hound is the “huggy” type. If not, proceed with caution. And if you don’t have a hound — well, that’s a problem now, isn’t it? Better get yourself one.
Sept. 15: National School Backpack Awareness Day. Yes, be all means, do be aware of your backpack and what’s in it. Dirty gym socks and old lunchbox leftovers should be seen and not smelled.
Sept. 16: It’s National Play Doh Day, and also National Guacamole Day. Please, please, do not get these mixed up.
Sept. 17: International Patient Safety Day. Though I doubt you’ll find too many ways to get into trouble if you are really sick, I suppose it bears repeating. If you are hospitalized, on bed rest, or otherwise considered a patient, please be safe and wait until you are well to do cartwheels, handstands, insult your mother-in-law’s cooking, or anything else that could be considered unsafe.
Sept. 18: It’s Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day and Locate An Old Friend Day. If you locate an old friend who also happens to be a greeting card writer, be sure to hug them and get two-for-one on today’s holidays.
Sept. 19: Yes, it’s the day we’ve all been waiting for: Talk Like A Pirate Day. If you’re afraid you’re just not going to be weird enough doing that, it’s also Meow Like A Pirate Day. And if you’re trying to observe Wife Appreciation Day today as well, meowing like a pirate is probably not recommended. Or maybe it is, depending on your wife’s sense of humor. YMMV, and all that.
Sept. 20: National Punch Day. Punch somebody! Just kidding. This is for the other punch — you know, Koolaid with sherbet in it and all that nonsense. Seemed like every party in the 90’s had punch. Now I hardly ever see it any more. Why is this? Time to bring it back.
Sept. 21: Today is the Harvest Moon Festival, the Mid-Autumn Festival, and the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival. (Wonder if they’ll serve moon pies.)
Sept. 22: Car Free Day. At first I thought this said “Free Car” day, and I got excited. I have had way too many Car Free days in my adult life. Probably because “Free Car” isn’t really a thing. Sad but true.
Sept. 23: National Dogs in Politics Day. There are lots of jokes to be made on this one, but probably nothing that’s fit to print. I’ll let your own mind go to work on this one.
Sept. 24: Why, it’s Schwenkfelder Thanksgiving, of course. This is for you, if you’re Pennsylvania Dutch. If not, feel free to observe it anyway. Any excuse to eat more mashed potatoes and gravy is fine by me. Also, “Schwenkfelder” is fun to say, so why not.
Sept. 25: National Hunting and Fishing Day. Preferably deep sea fishing, since it’s also National Lobster Day.
Sept. 26: It’s National Chimichanga Day and National Dumpling Day. Observing these is somewhat counterproductive to your efforts on Family Health & Fitness Day, but hey. It only comes but once a year.
Sept. 27: Crush a Can Day. You can do your can-crushing yourself, or you can bring your cans to a recycling center and let them do the crushing for you. (If you live in a state that offers deposit on cans, I strongly recommend not crushing the can. It can make it kind of hard to get your five cents back. Or ten cents if you live in Michigan, you lucky moneybags, you.)
Sept. 28: Ask a Stupid Question Day. I’ve got one: Why is today National Drink Beer Day, when September 7 was Beer Lover’s Day? I think beer is getting entirely too much publicity in the month of September.
Sept. 29: National Coffee Day. And that’s all I got to say about that.
Sept. 30: National Love People Day. And if you’re not feeling that one, it’s also Mud Pack Day. Unsociable introverts, rejoice: This one is best celebrated alone!