On the Lighter Side

7 Things I’ll Never Say to My Hairstylist

1. I’m sorry I have really thick hair. Believe me, it bothers me way more than it bothers you.

2. Please don’t feel pressured to make small talk the entire time. Silence is golden. It’s only as awkward as you make it.

3. But if you’re going to talk while running the hairdryer, please talk a little louder. I’m not the best at lip reading.

4. Why all the diversity concerning the length of an “inch”? Last I knew, it’s one twelfth of a foot: a standard measurement, the same everywhere (or at least, everywhere the English system is used). But I go to one hairstylist and tell them I want two inches off, and I look almost the same leaving as when I walked in. I go to someone else and tell them the same thing, and afterward my head looks like a hedge that met pruning shears in a bad mood.

5. I’m a captive audience, not a therapist. I don’t mind being a listening ear, but I’m really at a loss for what to say in response to your complaints about your hellion kids, your $#%!* ex, or how you walked into a wall after one shot too many last weekend.

6. Sometimes my lack of knowledge of hairdresser jargon stands in the way of me getting a good haircut. I don’t always think to tell you I’m going for the “textured, piece-y, tousled look.” This is why I tend to bring magazine pictures and let them do the talking for me. I hope that’s okay.

7. I think you’re magic. Seriously, if I had to do it myself, I might end up looking even worse than I did in the days of mom haircuts (shudder). It’s all an unfathomable mystery to me, especially layering my crazy thick hair. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m glad you do. You’re my heroes!

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