On the Lighter Side

10 More Things that Make No Sense

1. “Back to School” sales in late June/early July. Imagine you’re on a ten-day cruise in the Caribbean, and the boss starts calling and leaving you relentless voicemails on day three about all the work you’ll be expected to do when you come back. Would you be ticked? Yeah, probably. Well, that’s what it feels like to the poor kids these days who barely have a week to enjoy their summer before they get “Back to School” shoved in their faces by over-eager advertisers.

2. Bacon packaging. There must be a trick to this that I haven’t caught on to yet. When I buy a package of bacon, it doesn’t have a readily obvious “opening” spot, so I just make a cut somewhere on the end, and then that flap at the top on the inside makes it hard for me to get the bacon out, and then I can’t close up the package without it getting all slimy. If this is a ploy to make me eat all the bacon at once because I can’t reseal it properly, well — it’s working.

3. Multicolored dog food. You know whatever dogs once ate in the wild didn’t come in shades of rainbow. No doubt the visual effects are more for the entertainment of the owner, as dogs don’t really care what color their food is. Come to think of it, it doesn’t actually benefit their owner either, as artificial colors have been shown to increase hyperactivity in dogs.

4. Vow renewals. Why do you have to renew your wedding vows? Did they expire?

5. People who say their baby was a “surprise.” You followed the manufacturer’s instructions, didn’t you? Why is this a surprise?

Speaking of children…

6. People whose “family” Christmas card picture includes only their children; never themselves. Is that old wives’ tale about how daughters steal their mothers’ beauty really true? Or are humans like fish and bugs: after you’ve successfully reproduced, you’ve outlived your usefulness, and you can just kind of fade into the background? (I hope not.)

7. Oven mitts. Make no mistake, a thing that protects your hand so you can retrieve stuff from a blisteringly hot oven is a great idea. I just wish they were more like gloves, not mittens. It’s harder to grip the pan or handle or whatever, if your fingers are entrapped in a thick mitt. I have some interesting grease burns on my feet to make a case for this.

8. “Limited time” products. The companies know the exact moment when you fall in love with something. Then they spirit it away, never to be seen again. Because it’s bad for business to sell a product that people love. Apparently.

9. Wasting time on Facebook. I hear of people spending hours every day on Facebook, and I wonder what in the world they’re doing. What is so interesting?

10. Microwave tomato explosions. Everything I put in the microwave stays put on the dish or in the bowl, except tomato products. Tomato products are unruly. Soup, sauce, salsa, any of that stuff — flings itself to the sides and top of the microwave, every time. It’s only tomatoes. Of course it has to be, because it’s bright red and extremely noticeable and will make my microwave cruddy if I don’t 

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