On the Lighter Side

May Holidays

Well, April has come and gone, but the COVID quarantine endures. Hence, I present you with this infinitesimally small consolation prize: obscure and ridiculous holidays for the month of May. Enjoy, and keep your fingers crossed that by the time June rolls around, we’ll all have better things to do.

May 1: Today is School Principals’ Day, and I guess all you mums and dads of school-aged children get to claim this one for yourselves now. I know… hooray. In case this isn’t exciting enough for you, it’s also International Tuba Day. (Your neighbors will love you for this one.)

May 2: Free Comic Book Day. I would just like to point out that anything is free if you steal it. Which is probably the only way you’re going to get free comic books today, unless there’s some great giveaway going on somewhere that I don’t know about.

May 3: Lumpy Rug Day. Celebrate by fixing or disposing of your lumpy rugs. Or, at the very least, plunk down some large piece of furniture over the lumpy part so it’s not in the way. Please, do it for the love of your clumsy friends who tend to get our big feet stuck in small spaces.

May 4: National Renewal Day. Renew your wedding vows, your library books, your old furniture, your long-since-forgotten New Years’ resolutions. Whatever you want. We’re open to creative interpretation.

May 5: I guess there’s really nothing else left to say about this one, huh?

May 6: National Beverage Day. Please enjoy your beverage responsibly. This means no diet soda, decaf coffee, or other unworthy substitutes for the real thing.

May 7: World Password Day. I’m really not sure what this is about. Please, please do not share your passwords with the world. (!)

May 8: National Outdoor Intercourse Day. Yes, what you’re thinking is indeed what they had in mind. Nope, not kidding. Should the idea of being exposed (ahem) to the elements — or possibly, getting arrested — fail to appeal, you may also opt for social intercourse instead (e.g., invite a friend over to sit on your porch and chat with you).

May 9: Lost Sock Memorial Day. Have a moment of silence for those socks that were mysteriously eaten by the dryer. You know you had some.

May 10: Clean Up Your Room Day. Then again, maybe some of them were not-so-mysteriously lost in a messy bedroom somewhere.

May 11: Eat What You Want Day. Pat yourself on the back for your accomplishments, as you were likely already doing this anyway. No? Just me? Okay.

Regardless, I strongly urge you to participate if you’re looking for something to celebrate today. If you don’t, your other choice is Root Canal Appreciation Day… and, well, enough said about that.

May 12: Today, we recognize Limericks, Odometers, Nutty Fudge, and Fibromyalgia Awareness. What a hodge podge. Were these “national holidays” enacted by congress? If so, what made them decide that limericks, odometers. and fudge deserve to share space with Fibromyalgia Awareness? I really do wonder.

Then again, if you think about some of the other stuff congress considers to be important, the question really loses a lot of its mystery.

May 13: Today you can take your choice of Frog Jumping Day, International Hummus Day, and/or National Apple Pie Day. But please do keep all jumping frogs safely out of reach of the apple pie and the hummus.

May 14: Today, National Decency Day, is the day to make amends for your crude, crass, and very indecent actions, if you observed a traditional celebration of the May 8th holiday. If not, or you just don’t care, you can participate in National Dance Like a Chicken Day.

May 15: National Nylon Stocking Day. With the socks getting all the attention, the nylon stockings were, apparently, feeling left out.

May 16: National Learn to Swim Day. Summer’s coming — if you don’t know how to swim, today’s the day to get on that. I mean, the chance won’t come around again for another whole year.

May 17: Take Your Parents to the Playground Day. I assume no liability whatsoever for how this one turns out. Sorry.

May 18: No Dirty Dishes Day! You have several options before you today: Get takeout (convenient and fun, but expensive). Use paper plates and plasticware (environmentally unfriendly and slightly wasteful, but also convenient). Or eat food straight out of the container with your hands (uncouth and, for some reason, highly entertaining). You can also fast, but let’s be honest, that sucks.

Alternatively, you can also celebrate Visit Your Relatives Day — at their house, of course, so they’ll be stuck with the dishes.

May 19: National May Ray Day. What on earth is a “May Ray”? Is it, like, the nicer cousin of the stingray? I had to look this one up. Apparently, if your name happens to be Ray, today’s the day to let everyone know they can call you… wait for it… Ray. Yes, I’m serious. This is a thing. Heads-up to all you Rays out there who may not have had this brilliant idea before. All one or two of you (maybe).

May 20: Be a Millionaire Day. Thank goodness. I was just waiting for someone to give me permission to have a day for it. Totally the only reason I haven’t been a millionaire before now.

May 21: Some of you may remember that the world was supposed to end on this date in 2011, but thankfully, the world’s still here and so are we. So now we are free to continue celebrating I Need A Patch For That Day. Any patch — clothing, software, bicycle tire — take your pick. I know you are as excited about this as I am.

May 22: National Buy a Musical Instrument Day. In case the tuba didn’t work out.

May 23: Lucky Penny Day. May you find something today that makes you feel luckier than a penny — say, a quarter — or even a whole dollar bill (hey, we can dream).

May 24: National Escargot Day. I suggest this one be merged with National Rubber Duck Day (January 13), due to the similarities in taste and texture between escargot and rubber. Anyone else think so? (Yes, I know rubber ducks are actually plastic. Isn’t everything these days?)

May 25: It’s National Wine Day and National Tap Dance Day. But don’t overdo it on the wine, or your tap dance might end up looking like a chicken dance instead.

May 26: Today is the 69th birth anniversary of Sally Ride, the first American woman in space. Ride took her ride to the final frontier on June 18, 1983 aboard the space shuttle Challenger, inspiring those of us who aspire to space travel….

May 27: …as well as those of us who prefer to let space come to us, in the form of ultraviolet rays: Today’s our day; it’s Sun Screen Day.

May 28: Slugs Return from Capistrano Day. This, apparently, is the companion holiday to “Swallows Return to Capistrano”, when the cliff swallows allegedly migrate back to California’s San Juan Capistrano for nest-building time. One moves in; the other moves out — I guess that’s how this works? If slugs are the cold weather tenants, and are as prolific as they’re said to be, I can’t help but think that San Juan Capistrano must be a lovely place to spend the winter!

May 29: Learn About Composting Day. They had to declare a day for it, because it wouldn’t have happened otherwise. After all, it’s very few of us who will think about rotting food if we don’t absolutely have to.

May 30: It’s National Water a Flower Day. Hopefully you aren’t using a bucket for this, since it’s also National Hole in My Bucket Day.

May 31: And now, the one you’ve been waiting for: National Save Your Hearing Day. Someone been getting on your nerves lately? Permission granted to pretend you can’t hear them… all day. It’s a matter of patriotic observance!

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