On the Lighter Side

8 Things I’ll Never Say to My Dentist

1. Why is the dentist always a man and the hygienists are always women? I have always wanted to know this, but it’s not exactly the kind of thing you ask. It sounds, well… sexist or something. But I do wonder.

2. Why do you have cookies and popcorn (!) in the waiting room? Isn’t that just making more work for yourself? Also, you can’t exactly lecture people about how sugar causes cavities if you’re going to contribute to the problem.

3. Why do you need to X-ray under my tongue? There are no teeth under there. Seriously, why?

4. Yes, that does hurt. A lot.  “Oh come on now, that didn’t hurt, did it?” Well… peel me off the ceiling and I’ll show you!

5. Aaarrgghffftthhhh…. Hands and/or metal implements in my mouth do somewhat impede my ability to small talk with you. I’m very sorry.

6. Stop already with the lectures. I’m aware there is plaque on my teeth. Hence the reason why I’m here getting them cleaned. Well, no, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that my gums bleed when you jab at them with the pick. So will any other part of my body that gets stabbed with a sharp metal object. Yes, I do floss every day. No, I’m not interested in making a full-time job out of it or investing in strange electronic flossing devices.

7. Why you gotta be so rude? I’m not the opinion police, but telling me that my not-perfectly-straight teeth are “disgusting”, or that I’ll have trouble making friends or finding my dream job if I don’t get braces, are two thoughts I might keep to myself if I were you.

Seriously, dentists and dental hygienists are the only members of the professional world I know of who feel free to be ill-mannered with absolutely no repercussions. My doctor doesn’t scold me for needing a pelvic exam and my mechanic doesn’t scold me for my car needing an oil change. My teeth need routine maintenance just like everything else; how does this constitute an opportunity for harassment? And then you wonder why people hate the dentist or why they don’t go regularly. I’ll hazard a guess: maybe they don’t like paying boatloads of money to get talked down to. I mean, if they’re really in the mood for being verbally abused, all they have to do is troll in a chat room online. For free, I might add.

Speaking of the cost…

8. This is making me go broke. It’s part of the reason I visit only once a year, instead of every six months like you want me to. Also, feel totally free to foot the bill for braces if you’re going to keep telling me I need them. No one’s stopping you!

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